Gobbledygook of the week

Each week, we choose a piece of gobbledygook from the mountains we receive. Most, if not all, of the examples will be prime candidates for a Golden Bull award at the end of the year. If you have come across some text that you think is worthy of being displayed on this page, please send it in to info@plainenglish.co.uk.

3 March - 7 March 2008

"By aggregating a range of public and commercial datasets, including global addressing and Directory Enquiries, voter databases, commercial data and documentation including dates of birth, and voice-based verification solutions, 192.com Business Services delivers the most comprehensive global online ID verification solution available. "

(from www.192.com)

18 February - 22 February 2008

'Meeting the challenges: Align our centres' missions with the new strategy, ensuring long-term sustainability, and balancing the advantages gained through activities supporting stakeholders against the possibility of mission drift.'

(from the National Environment Research Council Strategy plan

11 February - 15 February 2008

'Following the 100-day review, TUI has set a series of new objectives. These include "leveraging our unique portfolio of brands to drive customer loyalty and retention through direct routes to market" and "investing in sustainable organic and acquisition growth opportunities, through a rigorous capital allocation framework."'

(from www.travelmole.com)

28 January - 1 February 2008

'The aim of the Centre for Social Informatics is to continue to develop a distinctive body of work that reflects a shared interest in socio-technical interaction at different levels of organisation, and at different stages in the system life cycle, as well as in methods to support research in these areas.'

(From Napier University's 'Centre for Social Informatics' website)

21 January - 25 January 2008

'Assessment will be more holistic, more synoptic and will better reflect the sometimes different needs of higher education and employers.'

(Ken Boston, head of the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, talking about the Maths A-level)

14 January -18 January 2008

'Dairy Crest, the UK's premier chilled dairy foods company, focuses on building leadership positions in branded and added value markets across the dairy sector and investing in industry leading facilities to create competitive advantage.'

(from the Dairy Crest website)

7 January - 11 January 2008

'The substantial drops in asking prices are further confirmation of the underlying trend of more sellers re-adjusting their prices downwards'

(spokesman for 'RightMove' from the BBC News website)

3 December - 7 December

'Whilst free listings will continue to be valuable drivers of telephone and email leads we have made a commercial decision to reflect the additional value of web site links as part of our product offering.'

(from Thomson Local marketing material)

26 November - 30 November

'The scope of this Issue is limited to nonrefundable advance payments for goods or services that will be used or rendered for future research and development activities pursuant to an executory contractual arrangement. Nonrefundable advance payments for future research and development activities for materials, equipment, facilities, and purchased intangible assets that have an alternative future use (in research and development projects or otherwise) should be recognized in accordance with the guidance in Statement 2. Refundable advance payments for future research and development activities are excluded from the scope of this Issue. Entities should not apply the consensus in this Issue by analogy to other types of advance payments.'

(from the minutes of an 'Emerging Issues Task Force' meeting)

19 November - 23 November

'This theme investigates the impact of pervasive technologies on the spatial environment in urban space, both within and outside buildings. As a theory of society as modified by the spatial environment, we will develop space syntax to respond to novel pervasive modes of communication, transaction and exchange implied by pervasive technologies. This will be achieved in Cityware by means of a continuous process of analysis of empirical data on people's use of and relationship with the urban spatial environment as this is affected by the intervention of pervasive technologies.'

(from www.cityware.org.uk)

12 November - 16 November

'It's a euphemism to say that LCR has not lacked ambition for this renovation carried out in close cooperation with the prestigious English Heritage.'

(from the ViaMichelin website)

5 November - 9 November

'We are currently experiencing an issue which is impacting the appearance of availability for some seller offerings.'

(from Amazon.co.uk)

21 October - 25 October

'In addition to the more easily recognised benefits of learning and skills development, digital contact also provides an unintrusive, convenient method for people to make, sustain or repair personal sets of social networks. It is recognised that positive social networks can prevent and resolve exclusion and enable the development of sustainable communities.'

(from a lecture booking form for Glasgow Homelessness Network)

15 October - 19 October

'With a brief to establish Dave as the home of witty banter and as a refuge from the everyday, the award-winning Red Bee’s innovative and original creative juxtaposes traditional weekend retreat imagery with contemporary talent from the channel’s key content in a humorous and irreverent way to represent the channel’s key brand values.'

(UKTV press release about launch of 'Dave', its new entertainment channel)

8 October - 12 October

We will ensure these products:

• emulate sensitivity of design and aesthetic
• straddle both the routine and the unexpected
• fit the established patterns of spend

(from the Shetland Museum and Archives' 'Vision Statement')

1 October - 5 October

'The BSR will assist you to answers these questions. It will provide you with systematically gathered data to inform school planning to create a safe, supportive learning environment. Priorities for improvement will be identified and baseline data to measure the effectiveness of interventions will be evident.'

(from the Department of Education and Training, Australia)

17 September - 21 September

'Are you, your husband, wife, civil partner, parents or a step-parent, child, son or daughter-in-law or child's civil partner an European Economic Area (EEA) national or Swiss national who is working, has worked or is looking for work in the UK?'

(from an application form on www.studentsupportdirect.co.uk)

10 September - 14 September

'Reducing worklessness should become a key priority in the Sustainable Community Strategy. The Sustainable Community Strategy should include targets to reduce the number of workless people in the district, empower communities and provide role models.'

(from a City of Bradford Metropolitan District document)

27 August - 31 August

'To be a champion for ICT in supporting front-line voluntary and community organisations to understand and be signposted to the range of practical ICT resources available in their region or at a national level enabling them to better achieve their mission to deliver quality services more effectively'

(from the National Hubs newsletter)

20 August - 24 August

'Our vision is to accelerate and transform radical innovation from a decades long, risky, expensive, meandering process – one that most companies avoid like the plague – to an orderly, predictable, manageable process based on sound principles of practice that yield desired within most companies’ financial time horizon.'

(from the Accelerated Radical Innovation Institute website)

13 August - 17 August

'Passenger shoe repatriation area only'

(BAA sign at Gatwick airport)

6 August - 10 August

'The terms 'fathers' and 'dads' are used in this magazine to signify fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, male carers and any male who plays a significant role in a child or young person's life.'

(from the Literacy Trust)

30 July - 3 August

'This news release contains forward-looking statements that involve risks, uncertainties and assumptions. If such risks or uncertainties materialize or such assumptions prove incorrect, the results of HP and its consolidated subsidiaries could differ materially from those expressed or implied by such forward-looking statements and assumptions. All statements other than statements of historical fact are statements that could be deemed forward-looking statements, including but not limited to statements of the plans, strategies and objectives of management for future operations; any statements concerning expected development, performance or market share relating to products and services; anticipated operational and financial results; any statements of expectation or belief; and any statements of assumptions underlying any of the foregoing.'

(footnote to Hewlett Packard's press releases)

23 July - 27 July

'We are leveraging our messaging leadership to ensure a commercially viable transition path to a high volume, robust and innovative IMS messaging architecture.'

(from www.acision.com)

16 July - 20 July

The Additionality Guide explains how to assess the additional impact or additionality of a regeneration project. Additionality is the extent to which something happens as a result of an intervention that would not have occurred in the absence of the intervention. The assessment of additionality is an important element in maximising the impact and value for money of a project and ensuring that it delivers real results.

(From English Partnerships)

9 July - 13 July

'Incident and Injury-Free is a commitment both personal and organisational, to create an existence absent of incident and injury. Incident and injury-free is not goal, or a result, or a trophy to seek and acquire. It is, however, a mindset intolerant of any level, frequency, or severity of incident or injury. With they do not want, and learn how to generate what they do want.'

('The Keltbray view an incident and injury-free environment', Keltbray)

2 July - 6 July

'The initial assessment for unscheduled care process, as part of the care pathway, requires the delivery of evidence based knowledge management support tools at this impoprtant decision node and across organisational interfaces to ensure the delivery (without duplication) of evidence based interventions which the patient understands and agrees to undertake.'

(from an NHS 'Connecting for Health' document)

Previous examples

2007 June | May | April | March | February | January |
2006 December | November | October | September | August

25 June - 29 June

'This group serve to strengthen the activities that the business performs to achieve data quality already. Their aim is to advantage our business and our customer: Prepare and integrate the many independent database views of the customer & the products that they buy into one view, then maintain this and new data gathered to an optimised standard.'

(from an internal communication at Bosch Group)

18 June - 22 June

'As to the increase in your Rates Demand from year to year this relates to the fact that your premises is availing of a Sliding Scheme for rates payments, this means that in addition to the change in multiplier for each year (previously called the Rate in the Pound) which usually is between 3% and 5% your premises will not be billed for its total bill as the sliding scheme allows for a 10% increase each year of 10 years, when the full rates bill will be served.'

(from Sligo Borough Council)

11 June - 15 June

'This symposium aims to provide ethnographic and anthropological substance to the political philosophy of publicization. We hope to elucidate the ethnographic forms that the new public forums (Helga Nowotny et. al. call them agora) are taking in our anthropological contemporary. Society's political reinvention in an array of public objects is modelled on, and casting off, new claimants and claims over the 'social contract': ethics, governance, trust, information, knowledge, are but some of the categories of association that are being re-deployed in the claim to make society more robust. Our aim in this symposium, then, is to investigate some of the forms that 'society' is taking today in its redistribution as public knowledge, illustrating with concrete examples the institutional and social journeys of knowledge in its promotion to 'public' status.'

(from Manchester University)

4 June - 8 June

'Driving effectiveness, efficiency and global leverage through the Industrialization of our delivery capability, leveraging our global staff capability, people, tools and methods in a highly leveraged way.'

(Cap Gemini consulting)

28 May - 1 June

'Successful retailers will embrace new communication and marketing models to respond to market segment preferences and ensure in-store customer experiences provide a differentiated value proposition relative to alternative emerging retail channels.'

(Rodney Baurycza, marketing director of Telstra)

21 May - 25 May

'Through this event staff will also receive practical advice on how they can progress the employability agenda which is designed to build the learner experience.'

(from the Scottish Further Education Unit)

14 May - 18 May

'Mobiya is a first-mover and patent pending person-to-person communications system that enables mobile social media in classified advertising. The company develops and brings to market, mobile messaging services and technologies. Specific technology focus areas include interactive and transactional systems for online classified advertisements, social networking and community portals.'

(from www.mobiya.com)

7 May - 11 May

'In an attempt to move towards a professional education system and still deliver the core requirements required by the NHS, the Trust is proposing a move away from "front loaded" sessions towards a "blending learning" solution.'

(from an NHS weekly bulletin)

30 April - 4 May

'It aims to collect the detailed information on PSS expenditure formerly collected by ODPM (now DCLG) on RO3 (RO3 has been reduced to 8 summary lines, matching those on the DCLG RA return, plus a total) and the information previously collected on the CIPFA Actuals return (which has now been discontinued).'

(from the Health and Social Care Information Centre)

23 April - 27 April

'The payments due from an NHS Customer or Non-NHS Customer (as appropriate) to the Contractor for Customer Funded Services or that part of the Actual Price payable by an NHS Customer or a Non-NHS Customer for a Catalogue Service (where the provision of such Catalogue Service is only partly met by Authority Funded Payments) for the relevant Catalogue Service provided to that NHS Customer or Non-NHS Customer.'

(from the N3 website)

16 April - 20 April

'Destroyed canvas characterises this evolutionary army model with innovated geometrics and volume.'

(description of a men's cap on www.capking.de)

10 April - 13 April

'Recently the objectives of LogicaCMG's consulting and integration business and those of Telecoms Products have become less aligned. This separation is a logical step for our business, enabling us to grow our channels and enhance our position as a trusted partner for network operators and service providers, while having the agility to continue to innovate and remain a global market leader.'

(from www.acision.com)

2 April - 6 April

'Ultralift has been developed to reduce the appearance of wrinkles and make the skin feel firmer; it has not been proven to lift or firm the skin.'

(from L'Oreal Ultralift cream)

26 March - 30 March

'An independent position within the public-private space enabling alignment both of PfR and PSB partner objectives, as well as with other relevant Government initiatives.'

(from the Carbon Trust website)

19 March - 23 March

'Failed to load viewstate. The control tree into which viewstate is being loaded must match the control tree that was used to save viewstate during the previous request. For example, when adding controls dynamically, the controls added during a post-back must match the type and position of the controls added during the initial request.'

(from the Stena Line [Irish Ferries] website)

12 March - 16 March

"We are pleased to announce this year's (Council Tax) increase which is the lowest yet. At just 3.2% this means that this year's council tax has reduced in real terms, so we are actually offering local residents more for less."

Councillor David Lomax, Leader of High Peak Borough Council (HPBC)

5 March - 9 March

'A tempting selection of rosemary, SweetflamedTM red peppers and caramelised onion with Fontal cheese. Dimpled by hand to push in all of the flavoursome toppings.'

(from Sainsbury's 'Taste the Difference' range)

26 February - 2 March

'The foundation of all Kirona's Motile applications is the Motile Architecture which includes a number of intelligent mobile run time components. This foundation handles the real time integration for a diverse range of different back office systems. A unique set of Enterprise components including Intelligent Scripting, Electronic document generation, remote worker safety and Motile Dashboard deliver ground breaking efficiencies for our customers.

(from IT firm Kirona's website)

19 February - 23 February

‘Current underwriting criteria must be applied to assess your occupation, which results in an amendment to the occupational classification from the Unemployed definition of disability to class 3, with the revised definition of disability.'

(from a letter from Abbey Life about an insurance policy)

12 February - 16 February

Globalisation seeks to subsume and manipulate the spaces of otherness by invoking the vocabularies of completeness and total control impossible without the extensive globalist paraphernalia.

(from a university textbook 'The Banality of the ImMEDIAte Spectacle: Globalization, Terrorism, Radical Cultural Denigration, and the Condition of Hollowity')

5 February - 9 February

'The strategy for Milton Keynes and Aylesbury Vale (MKAV) must be seen within the context of the wider Milton Keynes and South Midlands (MKSM) growth area, for which a sub-regional strategy (SRS) was adopted in March 2005 as a formal alteration to the Regional Spatial Strategies for the South East, East Midlands and East of England.'

(from a summary report from the South East England regional assembly)

29 January - 2 February

'Stick to your knitting'

(management-speak found on http://www.theofficelife.com/business-jargon-dictionary-A.html, meaning 'keep to what you are good at')

22 January - 26 January

Skelta Workflow.NET 2004 was conceptualized to address a glaring lacuna in the development space of the workflow software applications segment. The absence of easy-to-integrate workflow-specific embeddable tools available to a developer in order to workflow-enable applications / products.

(from Skelta's company website)

15 January - 19 January

Words importing one gender include both genders and words importing the singular include the plural and vice versa.

(a clause from an employee's contract)

8 January - 12 January

Thought grenade

(management jargon as found in Office Angels survey - means 'explosive, good ideas')

2 January - 5 January

BITSTREAM: Set to this selection will output the raw bit stream signal of Dolby Digital or DTS from the coaxial jack. In order to enjoy Dolby Digital DTS discs, this unit's digital output jack must be connected to the digital-input jack of a Dolby Digital or DTS compatible receiver or processor.

(from the audio set up section of a DVD recorder instruction manual)

18 December - 22 December

'These guidelines are written in a matter-of-fact style that eschews jargon, the obscure and the insular. They are intended for use by the novice and the experienced alike.'

(from the United Kingdom Evaluation Society 'Guidelines for good practice in evaluation')

11 December - 15 December

'The Independent Selection Panel has now had an opportunity of undertaking a paper shift of applications.'

(from a letter received from a Police Authority)

4 December - 8 December

'The small-sized fondling robot which is developed at the worldwide beginning'

(from a product advertisement)

27 November - 1 December

'This is a genuine ground floor opportunity to shape a front line field force operating in a matrix structure.'

(from the 'Take a Fresh Look at Wales' website at http://www.takeafreshlookatwales.co.uk')

20 November - 24 November

'The delay to this service is due to low adhesive conditions'

(otherwise known as 'slippery tracks', from First Scotrail)

13 November - 17 November

'An ATU capability will be retained on each APT, however in order to mainstream this work all other APT staff will be allocated to a Safer Neighbourhood on their area.'

(from a Greater Manchester Police newsletter)

6 November - 10 November

'"Confidential Information" means any information of a confidential nature obtained under or in connection with this Agreement including, but not limited to, any information regarding the existence of errors or viruses found in the Service and all other information which Pipex characterises as confidential at the time of its disclosure either in writing or orally. Confidential Information does not include information which the Customer can demonstrate: (a) is previously rightfully known to the Customer without restriction at the time of disclosure; (b) is or becomes, from no act or omission on the Customers part, generally known in the relevant industry or public domain; (c) is disclosed to the Customer by a third party as a matter of right and without restriction at the time of disclosure; or (d) is independently developed by the Customer without access to the Confidential Information.'''

(from Pipex's website terms and conditions)

30 October - 3 November

'Take off lid and push up bottom.'

(from a stick deodorant label)

23 October - 27 October

'Misco may share your information with selected 3rd parties in order that they may contact you to let you know about goods and services which may be of interest to you. To let us know if you wish to opt-out of receiving such information please ensure this box is not ticked.'

(from misco.co.uk)

16 October - 20 October

'TLA - Three Letter Acronym'

(from a computer book about the C++ programming language)

9 October - 13 October

'The cause of the fire was due to a malicious ignition incident that was fortunately contained to the function and meeting room area of the hotel.'

(news statement about a fire at a hotel)

25 September - 29 September

'Its clear lines and minimalist design provide it with an unmistakable look. It is daring, and different. So that your writing instrument not only carries your message, but lives it.'

(Prodir promotional literature for ... pens)

18 September - 22 September

'This machine packs into the battery the each opening the confidential waiting for the first time 10 seconds, need the machine from measure to complete to grow to press to open the machine key the square can show, the inconvenient place begs your pardon.'

(instructions for an MP3 player)

11 September - 15 September

'Have you got what it takes to help deliver our challenging agenda? This exciting role combines equality and diversity responsibilities with social inclusion and promoting quality standards into all commissioning work streams.'

(job advertisement, Wolverhampton City Council)

4 September - 8 September

'Where the policy is divided into a number of distinct arrangements ('Arrangements') where benefits are capable of being taken from on Arrangement or group of Arrangements separately from other Arrangements, then this policy amendment will not apply to any Arrangements in respect of which the relevant policy proceeds have already been applied to provide benefits. The policy amendment will apply to all other Arrangements under the policy.'

(policy amendment, Norwich Union)

28 August - 1 September

'VISA will eliminate the ability to qualify transactions for the Base Rate unless they are processed on a Chip-capable terminal. Credit and Debit transactions that are downgraded by the Card Schemes will be subject to Exception Pricing. MasterCard changes will impact the Interchange costs associated with Business Cards and the way that new Premium Consumer Cards are categorised. The following changes will take effect from 1st April 2006.'

(customer letter, Alliance and Leicester)

back to top